I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of sadness, its becoming more and more. To the point where i'm not sleeping properly, and even lost my appetite, which is horrifying because i do love food (although you wouldn't think to look at me). I looked online like most people, searching and reading all about what could be causing this sadness. I have no real reason to be sad i have a fantastic boyfriend and i am at university enjoying a course that i love. But of course i have a physical health problem that i can't fix, well not can't but its not happening. Not happening as fast as i would like, but that's because of the hospital. Everybody in their life time at some point or another will suffer from depression whether they get it diagnosed or not, whether they even recognize that it is depression or whether its just sadness from over working and under sleeping. This is where i have the problem, do i go to my GP and say 'hey wassup i read online that i have symptoms of depression, fix it!' or do i keep on as i am hoping that it will pass? Looking at information on the internet is dangerous, and not always a good thing, as lets face it we have all done it looked up symptoms for something and come out with some deadly disease that in no way we could of contracted but is just a figment of our imaginations, end up going to the GP's and making a prat of yourself. I've always said that if you are feeling depressed or feeling sad is to eat a banana, because anyone who doesn't know that they are a super fruit is a idiot (they have have been proved to relieve stress and improve mood once eaten).

clear out.

What is it about being a girl that means we accumulate hundreds of clothes? mountains of clothes stuffed into wardrobes, draws, on the floor, every where. Today i went through everything and ended up getting rid of 3 bags loads of clothes, bags, hats, scarves, a whole variety of things. There's always a story behind each item, when you bought it, where you wore it, who you were out with. It just makes me wonder why guys don't seem to get attached to such things. It would be a nightmare, its bad enough girls having a life long obsession with what to wear but for guys as well? Just insane, unless we just swapped over, boys become girls and girls become boys.

The reason i decided to root through and do a massive thrown out, not only because i had no space and ever anything to wear but to make room for my boyfriend (my idea not his). Its got to the point where i feel bad that every time he stays over he has to trail his stuff back and forth each week, as he doesn't drive and i don't always want to got and pick him up/ drop him off. So i made room and gave him a draw (although its small a lot of items have found themselves in the recycling). It may only seem like a small gesture but its the little things we do that make a difference.

On another note, it is just me or when you have a massive clear out everything else seems better, 'a tidy room is a tidy mind' was what i was told when i was younger, and i think they were right. For example any worries that were in your mind would just seem to either solve themselves or just not matter anymore. I always find that if i can't sleep or am feeling restless having a clean or a tidy helps.

Everyone likes change?

Since the beginning of October my life has changed so much, no longer in full time employment but in fact full time student. That in it self is a huge change. Its been over 4 years since i left the school environment where it was safe to mess up and mistakes weren't that bad. When i didn't have any real responsibilities and all i had to worry about was what to wear on Saturday night, going out with friends not having to worry about the next day because it was all so easy. All the information was happily handed over.

However school (university) this time is something completely different, not only has the game been upped, but i am now being watched on everything i do for the next 3 years and even longer once i qualify, see that's the thing with doing a nursing course. Going into a carer where there is such negativity and the 'damned if you do damned if you don't' culture has really left me question where this is something that i really want to do. I know its not all bad all the time, but it seems like when its good its good, but when its bad its bad. And when its bad you are all on your own, because no matter what happens someone will try and blame you for something that isn't your fault because it is out of their control.

Being in school at the moment is really hard, there is such a negative environment where nobody wants to be there, it doesn't help that one of my close school friends suffers with depression, i don't think she realizes how damaging her affect is having on others, well i say others and what i mean is me! I sure can pick them! She is always around and i can't seem to escape her. All the time in school, when i get home shes at my house, i guess it doesn't help that we work together. But shes there too. I feel bad that i told her shes not welcome in my home but for now its whats best. I need that time to get away from it.

 Its not as easy as people think doing a nursing degree, not only is it learning about The NHS and the governing body (The NMC) but of course all the anatomy and physiology, which of course is going to be a struggle because who in there right mind would do a part biology degree without any background knowledge?! Oh wait that would be me. Of course it was going to be, biology is a tough subject because there is so much to learn, don't get me wrong its hard, but its so interesting,swings and roundabouts i guess.

It is nearly the end of the first term and i can safely say that i petrified of failing, of course the first year in any degree doesn't go towards the final grade but it is still important that you pass. After finishing my first assignment which i handed in a few days ago i am now trying to buckle down and study for my first exam. The only problem is that nothing says in my head, i head through, highlight, take notes, even drawn out diagrams, but as soon as i put my pen down and finish for the day it seems to slip out of my head and off into the distant sky. It's not that i don't understand what i am studying but trying to keep it in my head. How on earth and i am going to keep all of this knowledge in my head?

While all of this has been happening one of my really good friends has been packing up and saying his final farewells as he leaves for Oz. He has been an important part of my life for the past 3 years, always there when i needed someone to listen to a rant, someone to tell my really funny bad jokes to, and someone who would just be fun to have a laugh with, not only would we do this while at home watching telly but while we worked just laughing and joking at the silly things that we would come out with. We were on occasion known to have serious discussions, but they never normally lasted long as lets face it, everyone's views on politics and religion is different its best to leave that door closed. He has only been gone for a few days and even though i am glad to have one less person in the house its really odd not to see him everyday. But i am so happy for him to have finally gone for it and moved away to find his dream. Even if it means that i have to pay extra postage on letters.

Everything has changed so quickly and all at once it seems a bit over whelming.

Time flies

This summer has passed so quickly, and most of it i have spent wishing away to be fixed (something that i feel is never going to happen). But i have had so much fun that i don't mind that i haven't got everything in order before i start my nursing course next week. Although I have finally got all my books together, bank accounts up and running and course a wardrobe full of new clothes. So i am ready to start but i don't feel like i am.
I would be lying if i said that i wasn't terrified about how quickly it has come about, 4 months have passed in the blink of an eye. It makes me wonder how quickly time go until it is Christmas and we are drinking cocktails at new year. How quickly it will be until i am panicking about deadlines and study time and whether or not i will have enough student loan left to put petrol in the car.


This year was Bestival's 10th birthday, and it was amazing! Elton John smashed it and so did Fat Boy Slim. However I cannot say the same about Snoop Dogg, he was boring and could not keep the attention of the crowd. So we left and went to the polka dot tent, where we saw a lot of quirky reggae style bands.

The cocktail bar was fantastic, they had a living room style set up to watch one of the smaller stages. The ambient forest had hammocks everywhere and Chinese lanterns lighting up the paths throughout the forest making it such a beautiful place to be not only during the day but at night time too.

When you go to a festival most people dread the food, because every festival has terrible food. Except Bestival, they have amazing food, there was amazing vegetarian and vegan healthy food to pulled pork and hog roast.
They even had free showers (well i say free the only thing you had to pay was with your time), not only were they hot but you could take as long as you wanted.

The reason why i love Bestival so much is because its not like other festivals, everyone is so friendly and happy. Throughout the whole weekend we met so many people who were up for just having a laugh. So many people dressed up for this years theme which was HMSBestival. There were sailors and jellyfish to fishermen and sea monsters. Having a fancy dressed theme for the Saturday makes it so much more fun!

I was pretty skeptical going as I went with just my boyfriend (a fairly new relationship) which worried me as 5 days in the outdoors camping without home luxuries is a struggle for families let alone a new couple. But nevertheless we had a fantastic time and didn't kill each other (which seemed likely on the drive home).

I can't wait to find out what next years theme is!


So it's taken 6 months of tests and waiting and consultations and waiting and tests for the hospital to find the hole in my heart. I now have to wait for another consultation to find out when I can have surgery. My cardiologist doesn't think that's there's any rush for it to get fixed, even after I told him that I've had to cut my hours down, stopped training for the Olympic distance triathlon I was planning to do and even had cancel all the completions I had signed up for this summer.

Not only do I have the worry about whether or not I will be having open heart surgery I have the worry about whether I will be fixed and recovered in time to start my nursing degree in September, because I really do not want to wait another year to start.

I really hope that the NHS get their act together, I may have my whole life ahead of me but I don't want to wait any longer for it to begin again, it's so frustrating not being able to do want I want without someone telling me 'to be careful' or 'how are you feeling today' or 'have a rest to look peaky'. Don't get me wrong it's nice that people are caring but I don't want to be treated like an invalid, infant I don't think I can handle being treated like an invalid.

Swim you're troubles away.

When I feel angry or sad I find a swim makes everything better, I can just put my googles on and swim until my arms falls off. Normally I calm down before that happens, but you never know one day I might get pushed to far. The only problem that I am facing at the moment is that I am unable to push myself to far, not until I get the complete ok from my cardiologist which won't be till June.
I don't know what it is about the water, whether its the peace and quiet or the cool temperature that is soothing but it really is. It's a shame that all my local pools are 25m. Trying to find a 50m pool to train in seems to be a nightmare, especially since the nearest is Basildon. Of course I'd love to go sea swimming every day but its not possible to find someone to spot me.
Its not long before i take part in swimfest, i decided to do the middle distance which is 1.5k so it shouldn't take anymore than 30minutes, i am aiming to do it in 25minutes but it a depends how i feel race day. Oh i can't wait. 

Outdoor running in progress..

I have recently started outdoor running again, after 2 months of having a break due to health problems. I decided enough was enough and I needed to get back out there.

Living and working so close to the seafront is ideal, especially as I'm getting back on my feet. It's fairly flat and easily markers to tell how's far you've gone. Whether the sea is in or out there's always a nice view, and a nice breeze so you'll never over heat. Even at night time it's beautiful. There's less people about except other runners and dog walkers.

Now I didn't go very far but just the doing the short distances I was able to gage how much fitness I had. Which has really diminished, but saying that I I haven't lost speed (although how much slower can you go id you're already slow?). So although it's going to be a slow process by the time i have my next triathlon i should be able to run for miles and miles, speed doesn't  bother me. It's the stamina that i want to work on.

Watch this space and the one down the sea front for progress.

On yer bike.

So this morning I woke up early, sadly not early enough to take part in Southend park run. So instead I went to the pool and did my normal pyramid swim this swim is where you increase the lengths to a certain distance and bring it back down again, hence why it's called a pyramid swim. While I was there I bumped into the usual faces, chatting away about up coming events (Southend swim-a-thon). Talking about how to gradually increase my long distance swimming ready for the Southend pier swim (3k) that I am doing in July.

Now because it was such a nice day i decided that its about time that I went out on my bike, which I haven't ridden since November. I've been called a fair weathered cyclist because I only ride when it's nice, but lets face it who wants to go for a 40k bike ride in the rain? So because its been a long time since I've been out on my bike of course there was the usual hiccups, such as getting my foot stuck in my clip in shoes, resulting in myself falling quite spectacularly onto the floor even before I got to the end of the road. So after remembering that I need to clip in and out before I want to stop, I finally got moving. 3 miles in I had to turn around and head home, why? Because I had a flat front tyre, how I missed this while setting everything up I don't know.

So on my second leg of my bike ride I was quite rudely beeped at by some boy racer in his horrid white ford focus, telling me to get out of the way, now of course I shouted back -you can't let these idiots dictate the road- and he wasn't to pleased with my reply, but then the road isn't just for cars. I was wearing a hi vis jacket, so there was no way that he couldn't say that he didn't see me when cruising round.

Overall for a first ride of the year on my bike it was alright, apart from the traffic and cars slowing me down I did ok. However I need to speed up so that I can do 20k in less than an hour, which is possible for my first triathlon of the season in June. The rate I am going now its more than possible. Lets just hope it stays nice enough for me to get out there and enjoy it.


So after months of deliberating I finally took the plunge and bought a wetsuit. Trying to find one that wasn't going to cost me an arm and a leg was a struggle as well as trying to find one that i liked the look of. Lets face it no one looks good in a wetsuit but you want to look the best you can. I decided to buy a wetsuit after i had looked through all the triathlons I wanted to do this season, as they are all open water swims starting at 750m, so to enter you must wear a wetsuit. I have already seen 3 that I want to do as well as 2 of the ones I did last season, and of course I am going to attempt the great pier swim which is a mile and a half swim.
So by the end of summer I should get my money's worth.

When i got home from work and saw the box from wiggle of course i was super excited as i wasn't expecting it to arrive until the end of the week. After dumping all my work gear on the kitchen table I opened the box and found they also sent me this gift. Thanks wiggle. You're the best.

go and visit

Raspberry, cranberry and white chocolate muffins

A recipe that I adapted from Nigella.

A recipe set in bullet points so its easy to follow.
Remember always prep your ingredients before starting.

Muffin cases
300g plain flour
2tsp baking powder
150g golden caster sugar
1 egg
1tsp vanilla extract
225g (whole) milk
50g (melted) butter
100g approx. fresh raspberries
100g approx. dried cranberries
100g approx. white chocolate

Preheat oven to 200c.
Chop the raspberries in half and the white chocolate into chunks.
While the oven is heating, mix together the flour, baking powder and sugar.
In a separate bowl mix together the milk, egg and vanilla and finally the melted butter.
Stir together the wet and dry ingredients.
Finally mix in the chopped raspberries, dried cranberries and white chocolate with a spoon so the raspberries aren't damaged to much.
Spoon into 12 muffins cases and cook for 25 minutes.

I hope you enjoy them.

The beach

I was walking along the beach with the puppy and my parents, which was a nice way to spend a sunday morning, i notice this safe in the mud. In Southend you get lots of things washed up along the beach, seaweed, clothes, glass bottles, but mainly rubbish, but that's normally nearer the town centre where all the tourists head, well the little tourists we get this time of year.

Now when i saw this safe i wondered whether it would have an interesting story like the one on Titanic or it is just an everyday safe which fell off a boat. But then who has a boat these days that needs a safe? It's not like everyone can afford to have a boat and go down river for a day trip in the sunshine and spend the day watching for seals and even the odd dolphin as the go up and down the river like something from a Victorian novel.


So it's Sunday, and like always I spend the morning at work. Of course a good shift because there's no managers to keep and eye, so everyone is more relaxed. Today my colleague C gave me a new word. Effervescent. Now I am not one to shy away from my faults, one of them being my lack of variety of vocabulary, so C being a kind guy that he is is giving me a word of the day to remember and use. Effervescent - fizzy, animated. 

Now I've finished for the day, and learnt a new word. I go see my parents because its nice to have a proper meal on a a Sunday, and my fridge is bare, well except all the cheese I bought because it was on special, but that's irrelevant. So most people are spending the day with their mums treating them to gifts and cards because its the right thing to do, even though is a Clinton holiday. Luckily for me my Mumma didn't want me to get her anything so saved a fortune there. Instead we are quiet happily drinking beer and watching rubbish films on the telly.
Because let's face it its what Sundays are for.

Looking to the future.

So next week I have an interview for university, and I can't help but worry, and become anxious. For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be a nurse. So when I didn't get accepted last time my world fell apart, I thought that I had no future. As I teenager when things don't go the way you plan, of course it's the end of the world. I thought i was forever stuck working in Tesco hating a life with no challenge or excitement.

I was lucky enough to leave that life in Tesco and start new, working in a nursing home, building myself up, learning new skills everyday. Finally after two years of being a health care assistant (HCA) and gaining so much experience, that, looking back on i wouldn't change. I have finally plucked up the courage to apply to university again and hope this time is all goes to plan, as I have outgrown my job as a HCA and there isn't enough challenge for me, so it really is the right time to move on.

Now I will be going as a mature student, who'd have thought being 22 would count as being a mature student. I have normal worries for someone like myself who has been out of education for a while, that I won't be able to keep up with all the assignments and the academic side of the course, but also whether i will be able to fit in with the other students who have chosen the same career path, hoping that i can study and still work because living is so expensive these days. But the most important thing i have to remember is that, anything worth having isn't easy to get, because what's life if there is no challenge.
I believe I will do well because other people believe I will do well.