I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of sadness, its becoming more and more. To the point where i'm not sleeping properly, and even lost my appetite, which is horrifying because i do love food (although you wouldn't think to look at me). I looked online like most people, searching and reading all about what could be causing this sadness. I have no real reason to be sad i have a fantastic boyfriend and i am at university enjoying a course that i love. But of course i have a physical health problem that i can't fix, well not can't but its not happening. Not happening as fast as i would like, but that's because of the hospital. Everybody in their life time at some point or another will suffer from depression whether they get it diagnosed or not, whether they even recognize that it is depression or whether its just sadness from over working and under sleeping. This is where i have the problem, do i go to my GP and say 'hey wassup i read online that i have symptoms of depression, fix it!' or do i keep on as i am hoping that it will pass? Looking at information on the internet is dangerous, and not always a good thing, as lets face it we have all done it looked up symptoms for something and come out with some deadly disease that in no way we could of contracted but is just a figment of our imaginations, end up going to the GP's and making a prat of yourself. I've always said that if you are feeling depressed or feeling sad is to eat a banana, because anyone who doesn't know that they are a super fruit is a idiot (they have have been proved to relieve stress and improve mood once eaten).

clear out.

What is it about being a girl that means we accumulate hundreds of clothes? mountains of clothes stuffed into wardrobes, draws, on the floor, every where. Today i went through everything and ended up getting rid of 3 bags loads of clothes, bags, hats, scarves, a whole variety of things. There's always a story behind each item, when you bought it, where you wore it, who you were out with. It just makes me wonder why guys don't seem to get attached to such things. It would be a nightmare, its bad enough girls having a life long obsession with what to wear but for guys as well? Just insane, unless we just swapped over, boys become girls and girls become boys.

The reason i decided to root through and do a massive thrown out, not only because i had no space and ever anything to wear but to make room for my boyfriend (my idea not his). Its got to the point where i feel bad that every time he stays over he has to trail his stuff back and forth each week, as he doesn't drive and i don't always want to got and pick him up/ drop him off. So i made room and gave him a draw (although its small a lot of items have found themselves in the recycling). It may only seem like a small gesture but its the little things we do that make a difference.

On another note, it is just me or when you have a massive clear out everything else seems better, 'a tidy room is a tidy mind' was what i was told when i was younger, and i think they were right. For example any worries that were in your mind would just seem to either solve themselves or just not matter anymore. I always find that if i can't sleep or am feeling restless having a clean or a tidy helps.

Everyone likes change?

Since the beginning of October my life has changed so much, no longer in full time employment but in fact full time student. That in it self is a huge change. Its been over 4 years since i left the school environment where it was safe to mess up and mistakes weren't that bad. When i didn't have any real responsibilities and all i had to worry about was what to wear on Saturday night, going out with friends not having to worry about the next day because it was all so easy. All the information was happily handed over.

However school (university) this time is something completely different, not only has the game been upped, but i am now being watched on everything i do for the next 3 years and even longer once i qualify, see that's the thing with doing a nursing course. Going into a carer where there is such negativity and the 'damned if you do damned if you don't' culture has really left me question where this is something that i really want to do. I know its not all bad all the time, but it seems like when its good its good, but when its bad its bad. And when its bad you are all on your own, because no matter what happens someone will try and blame you for something that isn't your fault because it is out of their control.

Being in school at the moment is really hard, there is such a negative environment where nobody wants to be there, it doesn't help that one of my close school friends suffers with depression, i don't think she realizes how damaging her affect is having on others, well i say others and what i mean is me! I sure can pick them! She is always around and i can't seem to escape her. All the time in school, when i get home shes at my house, i guess it doesn't help that we work together. But shes there too. I feel bad that i told her shes not welcome in my home but for now its whats best. I need that time to get away from it.

 Its not as easy as people think doing a nursing degree, not only is it learning about The NHS and the governing body (The NMC) but of course all the anatomy and physiology, which of course is going to be a struggle because who in there right mind would do a part biology degree without any background knowledge?! Oh wait that would be me. Of course it was going to be, biology is a tough subject because there is so much to learn, don't get me wrong its hard, but its so interesting,swings and roundabouts i guess.

It is nearly the end of the first term and i can safely say that i petrified of failing, of course the first year in any degree doesn't go towards the final grade but it is still important that you pass. After finishing my first assignment which i handed in a few days ago i am now trying to buckle down and study for my first exam. The only problem is that nothing says in my head, i head through, highlight, take notes, even drawn out diagrams, but as soon as i put my pen down and finish for the day it seems to slip out of my head and off into the distant sky. It's not that i don't understand what i am studying but trying to keep it in my head. How on earth and i am going to keep all of this knowledge in my head?

While all of this has been happening one of my really good friends has been packing up and saying his final farewells as he leaves for Oz. He has been an important part of my life for the past 3 years, always there when i needed someone to listen to a rant, someone to tell my really funny bad jokes to, and someone who would just be fun to have a laugh with, not only would we do this while at home watching telly but while we worked just laughing and joking at the silly things that we would come out with. We were on occasion known to have serious discussions, but they never normally lasted long as lets face it, everyone's views on politics and religion is different its best to leave that door closed. He has only been gone for a few days and even though i am glad to have one less person in the house its really odd not to see him everyday. But i am so happy for him to have finally gone for it and moved away to find his dream. Even if it means that i have to pay extra postage on letters.

Everything has changed so quickly and all at once it seems a bit over whelming.